Everything and Nothing
by misswhiteblack
Summary: Everything and Nothing never go together. Regulus wants to talk. Sirius doesn't understand why.


_There were so many things I could have been but when it all came down to it, I was nothing. Nothing without her. She was all that I wanted and everything I never got. Is it as hard as this to lose something you thought could be yours forever? I lost her. I was too late. I often imagine what it could have been like to have got there, just even an hour could have changed everything. She could have had me instead of him. I would have run with her, to the ends of the earth. I would have left everything behind and I would have protected her with every last second of my life. I had sworn to myself that I would never let anything harm her but I supposed I could let that promise to myself go now. She wasn't mine anymore and I guess she never really was. What I would have given to call her my own? What I would still give to have her by my side? I suppose it is true what they say. You can't always get what you wish for but why not? She was the only thing I could ever wish for. Ever since I met her I dreamed, thought, breathed her. Yet she was everything and I was nothing. Everything and nothing never go together. _

Regulus Black sat in the muggle bar in muggle clothing drinking a muggle beer. All around him people, muggles, were laughing and joking with no idea of the terror that was rising all around them. Foolish, he thought to himself, couldn't they feel it? The change in the atmosphere was so tense. He could feel it now, even as he sat there surrounded by people he didn't know and that he didn't care to get to know. Soon they would be dying. He knew that. The power that he felt at all times, burned into his left arm, reminded him just what that power could do. He glanced at the clock. He had been waiting for two hours now. He wasn't coming. He rose to his feet and swept out of the bar his black cloak trailing behind him. He put up his hood as he stepped out onto the street. He had taken a big risk in coming here and he knew it. If he were to be caught, or even suspected, he knew he would be dead. He glanced up and down the street but there was nobody around. He turned to his right and walked swiftly down the road. He knew he could have just apparated but he wanted time to clear his head. He had known that this meeting probably wouldn't have taken place. He didn't know why he had bothered to wait for two hours. He should have left after fifteen minutes of waiting. He knew he wouldn't have come.

As he passed an alleyway a dark figure jumped out and grabbed him. Regulus struggled, trying to reach his wand but his attacker had a harsh grip of both of his arms as though he knew what Regulus' first reaction would be. He was dragged backwards into the alley and then pushed brutally up against the wall. His attacker then let go of him and Regulus immediately reached for his wand. Before he could reach it he felt the jab of a wand in his chest and he looked up into the familiar face of his older brother. Sirius looked haggard, worn out as he stared down at Regulus, anger in his eyes as he pressed his wand harshly into his little brother's chest.

'What do you want Regulus?' he asked in a snarl.

'You have no idea how much you sound like father when you speak like that,' Regulus told him in a cool voice trying not to betray his fear.

Sirius growled. He hated being compared to their father in even the slightest way. He had taken measures to try and distance himself from him. He had gone in such an opposite direction in order to not become like his father, a man he hated with all he was worth.

'Do not compare me to him,' Sirius responded angrily his eyes darkening. 'I am nothing like him.'

'Sirius, I am just here to talk,' Regulus spoke quickly, keen to move on from the comment he had made. He had known that it would anger Sirius and that was why he made it. Even now he couldn't seem to stop making jibes at his brother's expense.

'Here to give us information?' Sirius poked fun at him. He had always insinuated that Regulus was a coward. Mainly it was because Regulus abided by their parents rules and beliefs where Sirius had not. Regulus felt angry. What did Sirius know about him now? He hadn't taken an interest in him since Regulus had first gone to Hogwarts. Sirius didn't know nor could he understand the things that had happened to him.

'No,' Regulus confirmed his throat thick. 'Just you. I'm just here to talk to you.'

Sirius stared at him harshly for a moment as though wondering what to do or what to believe. He removed his wand suddenly. As paranoid as he was nowadays Regulus was his little brother and no matter what he had become, Sirius knew that Regulus didn't have it in him to harm him. After all, Sirius could not imagine doing anything to physically hurt Regulus on purpose.

'What about?' Sirius asked curiously as he began to pace up and down. Regulus pulled away from the wall a little and relaxed.

'About Serena.'

Sirius grabbed him viciously and slammed his back against the wall once more. Regulus could see the fire blazing in his eyes as Sirius lifted him off the ground and shook him a little.

'What about her?' he growled. 'Here to tell me that she is not good enough for me. Here to tell me that she is scum and that our parents forbid it. Well tough.'

Regulus was finding it hard to breathe as his cloak restricted his throat. He looked down into his brother's angry face.

'Actually,' he panted, 'I don't think you are good enough for her.'

Sirius dropped him then and Regulus fell to the ground, his face colliding with the cold, hard stone. He choked a little trying to regain his breath. He was well aware of Sirius standing over him, a look of disbelief on his face as he stared down. Regulus remained on the floor for a few moments, taking deep breaths. It was a good five minutes before he felt the need to get back onto his feet. He could feel the confusion in the air as he picked himself up and straightened out his robes. He pulled himself to his full height but was still an inch shorter than his older brother. He looked up at him defiantly.

'What exactly did you mean by that?' Sirius asked his anger still evident in his tone.

Regulus didn't answer straight away. Instead he took a minute to sort through all his ideas about what he was going to say to Sirius now. All he had wanted to do was to warn Sirius that Serena was a high priority target, that the Dark Lord thought that she knew something that would be vital to him. Now he had opened his big mouth and had alerted Sirius to something that Regulus had never wanted him to ever know. He didn't know if Sirius would let it go but he decided he would try.

'I'm here to tell you that she is high on the Dark Lord's priority list,' Regulus explained cautiously. 'He believes she has information that he wants. He will stop at nothing to get to her.'

Sirius grabbed his shoulders roughly and looked at him through hardened eyes. Regulus gulped inaudibly not wanting to show his brother his fear. He was scared. He had been for some time now. He was scared of things he had done, of the person he had become. He couldn't change the past now but he could try and help those dear to him.

'Why are you telling me this?' Sirius asked the anger almost faded from his voice, almost but not quite.

'He will stop at nothing,' Regulus repeated himself, 'and he will use you to get to her if necessary.'

When Sirius let go of him, obviously in deep thought, Regulus decided now would be the time to leave. He turned down the alleyway and began to walk swiftly away from his brother. Every step he took he could feel the anger welling inside of him. How had he been reduced to this? He had sworn to protect her but he didn't think it would be like this. Yet how could he do anything else? There was no other way.

Just when he thought Sirius had let him go, he was grabbed from behind yet again and swung round to face his brother's intense gaze. Sirius was angry again, his face contorted by rage and fear. Regulus knew that look. He had often seen in when looking in a mirror. He was often angry, with the Dark Lord, with his parents, with his brother and, more often than not, with himself.

'This is not everything Reggie,' Sirius told him forcefully. 'There is no way you risked your life to save mine and Serena's. You don't care two shits about either of us so why did you ask to meet me?'

The anger boiled over and Regulus shook Sirius off brutally, pushing him back.

'You only ever care about yourself don't you?' he yelled at his brother. 'You don't ever bother to look past what is going on in your own head or what is going on with your friends. You never noticed me. If you had maybe you would have realised how I felt but you didn't. All you cared about was Potter and whether or not you had a new girlfriend for the day.'

Regulus shouted himself out but did not relax the position he was holding, his hands curled into fists. Sirius was staring at him in shock and Regulus realised that this would probably be the first time he had ever shouted at his brother like that. Sure in school they had had their quarrels but Sirius was normally the one full of anger and Regulus was the one as cold as ice. That was the way it had always been until now.

'I don't know what you mean,' Sirius told him the anger no longer in his voice. 'You were always the one making jibes, throwing jokes around and, generally, being a pain in my arse.'

'Sometimes I wonder how you managed to get such good grades,' Regulus sneered, 'when you're so daft you can't even see that your own brother just wanted you to notice him. It was all I ever wanted from you Sirius.'

That wasn't entirely true. There was something else that Sirius now had that Regulus wanted but Regulus was damned if he was going to tell his brother about it willingly.

'You could have just said,' Sirius told him quietly pushing a great, clawed hand through his long black hair. Regulus let out a short laugh of disbelief as he unclenched his fists and began to walk up and down in front of Sirius. There was a long silence as they both contemplated what had just been said. One brother who thought the other ignored him and the other who though his brother wanted nothing to do with him. Had they both been so blind to not realise what was going on? Yet they had realised sometimes. Regulus had often crept in to the hospital wing when Sirius was there to make sure he was all right and Sirius had done the same. They'd never have wanted to admit it but the brotherhood was still there, even if it was dormant.

'Don't worry Reggie,' Sirius said suddenly, 'I can take care of myself.'

Regulus' anger swelled again.

'Oh you just don't get it do you?' he shouted. 'It's not just you I'm trying to protect. It's Serena. I want you to protect Serena.'

That took Sirius by surprise. He stared at his brother as though seeing him for the first time, as though he had never really known him. Regulus watched as his face went through the different emotions. Confusion, bewilderment, anger, shock. Regulus heaved a sigh. He supposed that they just must have been that good at keeping the secret.

'You want me to protect Serena?' Sirius asked his confusion obvious. 'Well, of course, I will. She is my wife but why do you care?'

Regulus gripped his hair in his hands about ready to pull it out. He wanted to shout again, to scream it at Sirius but when he spoke he was calm.

'I love her,' he said simply. 'I've loved her since I was eleven years old, Sirius. She was everything I ever wanted and everything I could never have.'

Sirius' jaw dropped open and Regulus tried not to laugh. This moment was not the right time to begin the laughter.

'Have you ever actually spoken to her?' Sirius asked eventually scratching his ear, his eyebrows drawn together in a frown.

Regulus snorted.

'Of course,' he told him. 'We've been friends for years, Sirius. I've never told anyone before. I envied you so much but I thought you were only friends. As it turns out there was a lot more to your relationship that I never saw. I would have run away with her given the chance. I'd have defied everyone, you, our parents, the Dark Lord, for her.'

Sirius stood rooted to the spot. His head was spinning. How could he have not noticed? He had been friends with Serena for years before they had become husband and wife. His best friends, James Potter, had known her since he had been two years old and even he had never suspected anything. If he had he would have told him, Sirius was sure of that. He had known of course what Serena was like. She could keep anything a secret. She could be told something and then never mention it again.

'She loved you?' he choked.

Regulus launched himself at Sirius and tried to punch him in every bit of soft tissue he could reach. Sirius grabbed his hands trying to restrain him as Regulus struggled against him still trying to hit him. Sirius pushed him away and Regulus staggered, falling down to his knees.

'I'll never know,' he yelled. 'You took it all away. I was going to tell her but you had already ... you had already ...'

Regulus choked a little but refused to succumb to tears. That would give Sirius something to joke about with Potter if he started crying in front of him. Sirius walked over to him and put his arms around his shoulders pulling Regulus to his feet. Regulus couldn't look at his brother as Sirius turned him to face him. Sirius waited until Regulus looked up.

'Reggie, I'm sorry,' he said softly and then pulled his little brother into his arms. 'I never meant for my joy to cause you any pain and I am sure Serena never wanted you to hurt you either.'

Regulus pulled away a little to look at Sirius.

'I know,' he said. 'I should have told her a dozen times before but she is everything and I am nothing. Everything and nothing don't go together.'

Sirius looked at him for a moment.

'I agree with you on one point,' he said. 'Serena is everything to me but so are you.'

Regulus looked away for a moment and blinked back the tears welling in his eyes. There was a noise in the back of the alley and Sirius glanced up quickly over Regulus shoulder. He couldn't see anything but it wasn't worth taking the risk.

'Get out of here, Reggie,' he told him. 'Don't worry. I'll take care of her.'

Regulus nodded and then with a quick glance behind him he apparated. Sirius waited until he was gone and then walked down the alleyway, a little cautious but mostly without fear. He stopped when he came level with a skip.

'So, how did it go?' asked James Potter stepping out of the shadows. 'What did he want?'

Sirius turned to look at James and then sighed.

'I'll tell you at home.'


End file.
